That song keeps playing in my head, some neurological circuit clash.
It's from, He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother... song from the Hollies.
The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
The song is about a man caring for his brother who has cancer, 'No burden is he to bear We'll get there' 'He ain't heavy, he's my brother.'
Always touches me, these lyrics. Lately more than I used to, being a burden creeps up into my thinking. It's difficult when you're a chronic to keep a sense of 'usefulness', to somehow find a way to give your life and suffering a meaning. According to my Buddhist way of thinking, suffering is part of life, but isn't too much suffering not overdoing it? Am I going to reach enlightenment sooner if I suffer constantly? ;-) No of course not, all should be balanced. And there lies my problem.
How can I reach a balanced way of life when I have too much suffering and too little usefulness? I struggle every day with the fact that I have to depend on others to care for me. Just to get my basic needs met like washing my hair, tying my laces, putting on my shoes, shopping etc. Do I give enough in return to balance it all out? What can I give in return other than my love and support? These are the questions that I'm pondering while I'm laying on my bed pacing myself, and while I'm pacing myself I am stressing myself out by thinking these thoughts. This is not working and is counter productive.
I used to put a lot of energy into dog rescue, it brought me joy and a sense of accomplishment. If I rescued a dog from a horrible death or worse a life as a lab animal, nourished him, trained and vetted him and saw him off to a wonderful happy forever home, It made me happy. The last rescues we had was the litter of 4 pups last winter, from which we kept one, our Fynn. So seeing my friend in rescue busy with a lot of dogs I felt it was my time to rescue one as well. Unfortunately W. put a hold on that. He pointed out I wasn't able to care for all 4 last time and 2 ended up going to my friend Vicky who helped me when I had a crash. W. said it would happen again and there would be no one to help me.
Maybe he was right, without his support I can't do much. I need to rely on him to drive me places, if he feels that is too much of a burden and he can’t support that I have no other choice than to accept that. It was a major blow though, it was _the_ one thing that brought me joy and gave meaning to my life. That I somehow still was able to contribute to society. And whether I like it or not the thought that a dog will die because I couldn't rescue him is upsetting and I try not to go there.
W. and also my dr. tell me over and over again I need to become more selfish, put myself first in order to get well, to hell with others and their needs. Maybe they're right. Maybe not. How much will they like me if I'm not supportive anymore, not so social, helpful etc. Will I loose the last friends I have left? Will they contact me less and less? Will W. start working more and more? Will I become even more lonelier and a hermit than I am now?
We'll see, I will take them up on their suggestions and become a selfish chronic. Starting today. I will sleep as long as I feel like and won't feel guilty about it. ;-) That is if I can sleep of course. See, I'm already running into problems ;-)
The road is long
With many a winding turn
It will leads us to who knows where.....
Stay tuned, updates will follow. ;-)
# # #
It's from, He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother... song from the Hollies.
The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
The song is about a man caring for his brother who has cancer, 'No burden is he to bear We'll get there' 'He ain't heavy, he's my brother.'
Always touches me, these lyrics. Lately more than I used to, being a burden creeps up into my thinking. It's difficult when you're a chronic to keep a sense of 'usefulness', to somehow find a way to give your life and suffering a meaning. According to my Buddhist way of thinking, suffering is part of life, but isn't too much suffering not overdoing it? Am I going to reach enlightenment sooner if I suffer constantly? ;-) No of course not, all should be balanced. And there lies my problem.
How can I reach a balanced way of life when I have too much suffering and too little usefulness? I struggle every day with the fact that I have to depend on others to care for me. Just to get my basic needs met like washing my hair, tying my laces, putting on my shoes, shopping etc. Do I give enough in return to balance it all out? What can I give in return other than my love and support? These are the questions that I'm pondering while I'm laying on my bed pacing myself, and while I'm pacing myself I am stressing myself out by thinking these thoughts. This is not working and is counter productive.
I used to put a lot of energy into dog rescue, it brought me joy and a sense of accomplishment. If I rescued a dog from a horrible death or worse a life as a lab animal, nourished him, trained and vetted him and saw him off to a wonderful happy forever home, It made me happy. The last rescues we had was the litter of 4 pups last winter, from which we kept one, our Fynn. So seeing my friend in rescue busy with a lot of dogs I felt it was my time to rescue one as well. Unfortunately W. put a hold on that. He pointed out I wasn't able to care for all 4 last time and 2 ended up going to my friend Vicky who helped me when I had a crash. W. said it would happen again and there would be no one to help me.
Maybe he was right, without his support I can't do much. I need to rely on him to drive me places, if he feels that is too much of a burden and he can’t support that I have no other choice than to accept that. It was a major blow though, it was _the_ one thing that brought me joy and gave meaning to my life. That I somehow still was able to contribute to society. And whether I like it or not the thought that a dog will die because I couldn't rescue him is upsetting and I try not to go there.
W. and also my dr. tell me over and over again I need to become more selfish, put myself first in order to get well, to hell with others and their needs. Maybe they're right. Maybe not. How much will they like me if I'm not supportive anymore, not so social, helpful etc. Will I loose the last friends I have left? Will they contact me less and less? Will W. start working more and more? Will I become even more lonelier and a hermit than I am now?
We'll see, I will take them up on their suggestions and become a selfish chronic. Starting today. I will sleep as long as I feel like and won't feel guilty about it. ;-) That is if I can sleep of course. See, I'm already running into problems ;-)
The road is long
With many a winding turn
It will leads us to who knows where.....
Stay tuned, updates will follow. ;-)
# # #
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