It has been a while.
Not because I had nothing to say, I left promising a extensive blog about my Chinese Herbal medicine. No I had plenty to say, but as we know the mind can be willing but our bodies do not always comply. I had a set back, not one but a few. Every time I crawled back to the place I was before there was something else that came out of nowhere and hit me on the head and told me where my place was. In my bed, crying in pain, the bathroom puking my guts out, lying on the floor wondering how to get back to the bed.
No, it has not been a great time and it should have been a joyous time. Our daughter and husband have let us know they are expecting their first wee one. Of course we are over the moon for them, at the same time I'm grieving, grieving the fact that I can't be there for her in this so important time of her life. When every girl wants and need her mom to share this intimate moment with. The uncertainties, the troubles, the questions. Not being able to get on a plane and be with her causes me so much mental pain I can hardly explain it. I can handle physical pain but this feeling of failing as a mother is more than I can handle and I curse my body and this horrible illness. I want to be there when the first happy sound comes out of the baby's mouth, I want to smell it's wonderful baby smell, hold it's tiny body in my arms. I want to see my daughter becoming a mom. This is the second time I had to disappoint her, last year I was not able to make it to her wedding either. The flight to Europe takes at least 11 hours plus check-in and security it will easily add up to 18 hours, more than I can handle. A 15 minute drive to the clinic and I need to recover for a week let alone a flight with jetlag to Europe.
This kind of stress caused me to crash and I needed to find a way to deal with it and still be able to be there in some way for her even though it's just virtual with video chat.
It's not the same but it's what we got.
On the health front I am starting the abx(antibiotics protocol)tomorrow. My dr. W. and I had a chat and decided I am unhappy with the way things are going now, I have no life at all. We were waiting and working on getting my immune system on track and restore my body's strength before we could start a viral or abx protocol to kill of the infections either viral or bacterial. But it's not happening. No matter what we do I stay at the same level I was 2 years ago. So we finally decided to go ahead anyway because this is not how I want to live my life. Bedridden, home bound, not seeing or talking to anyone for days or weeks. The loneliness and isolation is overwhelming sometimes and I feel like a freak living like a hermit. No friends who come to visit, not family to support or help out. I needed to do something.
I have so many bacterial infections and the results of blood work stays high. No sign of any virus backing down and leaving me or going dormant. They are all very active.
The bacteria I tested positive for are Cpn(Chlamydia Pneumoniae), Lyme, MAC(Mycobacterium Avium Complex), Giardia and H.Pylori, Mycoplasma.
It's a long list and than there are the viral infections that we will have to deal with sometime.
The abx protocol is not going to be a walk in the park. And I'm scared. But I need to be pro-active and do something otherwise I can just as easily just quit living.
But stil ... I'm scared.
# # #
(0) Comments