Luctor et Emergo

Living with your limitations......
A couple of days ago I posted on a message board those wise words and how I (try) to live with that. I wrote wise things such as knowing what your limitations are and enjoying the moments that you’re able to see beyond your limitations and being content, or trying to be content with that.
All very inspirational and true, and if I read it know I think ‘oh gheez get of your high horse!’. Little did I know I had to eat my own words a few days later.

Well, I guess I _do_ try to live within my limitations, I mean I have to, what choice do I have? The other one is not to live at all and believe me sometimes that does feel like the better option. Like today for instance.

I don’t know if it’s the weather(22“ of snow and ice), the fact that my husband went out without me and even though the weather is horrible I would have welcomed getting out of the house even if it’s just for a few minutes and a quick coffee somewhere, or the fact this pain from the side effects of the HGH injections is gnawing away at me, or the fact my daughter just send me pictures of her buying her wedding dress with 2 complete strangers(at least to me).

I’m just so freaking mad and upset with this illness, why do _I_ have to live this way, if you will call this living. I’m at that point again that I look with envy at others who are going about their day to day stuff without realizing how privileged they are. I’m mad because I’m not able to hop on a plane and fly to Europe to go wedding dress shopping with my daughter. I mean how many time do you get the chance to do something special like that with your daughter? It’s a typical mother and daughter thing and again I’m absent. I’m mad because I feel I’ve let her down on this special and intimate occasion and so sad that we can’t share this milestone together. I’m jealous because she is sharing it with her mother-in-law instead of me. Not only am I missing out on so many things but so is she, this horrible illness is affecting all people in my life, not just me. When I saw her photos of trying on dresses my heart broke, it was THE one thing I wanted to do with her. I’m happy for her of course, she looks stunning in her dress, and I will have to get over this, it is what it is. Very little I can do about it.

I’m looking out of the window, my limited view of the world, it’s the same as it was 3 years ago when I moved in here, it’s hard to believe I have been living like a hermit for 3 years now. It’s hard to believe the dreams and plans I had when we moved here, drive, travel, swim, go to bookstore, browse little stuffy antique stores, go to cook-offs, see America, get my green card(check, did that), start a small business(ha ha ha, who was I kidding?), go to school, learn new things.

Who could have imagined that the moment we moved into this house the door to the outside would be locked for me and all I would see for the next 3 years would be the house across the street and our yard? Not me, that’s for sure! I was still fairly optimistic when we moved here, after all, I organized the whole move and everything. Hindsight, that probably did me in. When I started fainting and started to have black outs a few weeks after we moved I knew I was in trouble.

Over the years my world has shrunk to these 4 walls and I thank the Universe for my computer and reliable internet connection, it is my connection to the outside, without it I would be lost and probably wouldn’t survive.

Now we 2 days left till Christmas I do not feel ‘the spirit’ at all. In fact I am upset, hurt and more lonely than ever. It has been a rotten year and I sure hope the next one is going to be better.

On days like these I miss my beloved Gwennie, my Border Collie, my heart and therapy dog more than ever. In earlier days she was always there to let me cry in her fur, lick away my tears and give me comfort by molding her warm strong body into mine and we would lay on the bed until I felt better. Now she’s gone and I feel hopelessly lost and alone. The animal communicator told me months ago that Gwen thought I would not be able to cope with the loss of her. She was right, I can’t. I try, I promised her I would try with all my might but it’s so hard. I know a few people who will read this will shake their head and laugh about it, grieving so much about a dog! What a waste of time, get a new one! That’s alright, they don’t understand the soul and spirit connection I had with her.

I think I will take some rest and go to bed, maybe things will look better after a nap.

On the health front; I’m getting now my daily Human Growth Hormone injections which have the nice side effects that my hands and arms are numb and I have RSI in both arms, at night I wake up and can’t feel my arms or am able to open a bottle of water to take a sip or hold a cup. Picking up meds that I need to take is hopeless as well. I’m totally helpless and need to wake W. to give me my meds. But besides the numb feelings it hurts like hell. Muscles and small bones grow(growth hormone) and nerves in those areas get compressed and hurt.
But we hope it’s for a good cause because I need those Natural Killer Cells. Lets hope the other side effect such as LEUKEMIA passes me by. ;-(

That every other day W. gives me my ‘energy injections’ Lord knows why they’re called that they do not give me any energy at all!

Well, off to bed and sleep off this horrible feeling!

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