Luctor et Emergo

Living with your limitations......
A couple of days ago I posted on a message board those wise words and how I (try) to live with that. I wrote wise things such as knowing what your limitations are and enjoying the moments that you’re able to see beyond your limitations and being content, or trying to be content with that.
All very inspirational and true, and if I read it know I think ‘oh gheez get of your high horse!’. Little did I know I had to eat my own words a few days later.

Well, I guess I _do_ try to live within my limitations, I mean I have to, what choice do I have? The other one is not to live at all and believe me sometimes that does feel like the better option. Like today for instance.

I don’t know if it’s the weather(22“ of snow and ice), the fact that my husband went out without me and even though the weather is horrible I would have welcomed getting out of the house even if it’s just for a few minutes and a quick coffee somewhere, or the fact this pain from the side effects of the HGH injections is gnawing away at me, or the fact my daughter just send me pictures of her buying her wedding dress with 2 complete strangers(at least to me).

I’m just so freaking mad and upset with this illness, why do _I_ have to live this way, if you will call this living. I’m at that point again that I look with envy at others who are going about their day to day stuff without realizing how privileged they are. I’m mad because I’m not able to hop on a plane and fly to Europe to go wedding dress shopping with my daughter. I mean how many time do you get the chance to do something special like that with your daughter? It’s a typical mother and daughter thing and again I’m absent. I’m mad because I feel I’ve let her down on this special and intimate occasion and so sad that we can’t share this milestone together. I’m jealous because she is sharing it with her mother-in-law instead of me. Not only am I missing out on so many things but so is she, this horrible illness is affecting all people in my life, not just me. When I saw her photos of trying on dresses my heart broke, it was THE one thing I wanted to do with her. I’m happy for her of course, she looks stunning in her dress, and I will have to get over this, it is what it is. Very little I can do about it.

I’m looking out of the window, my limited view of the world, it’s the same as it was 3 years ago when I moved in here, it’s hard to believe I have been living like a hermit for 3 years now. It’s hard to believe the dreams and plans I had when we moved here, drive, travel, swim, go to bookstore, browse little stuffy antique stores, go to cook-offs, see America, get my green card(check, did that), start a small business(ha ha ha, who was I kidding?), go to school, learn new things.

Who could have imagined that the moment we moved into this house the door to the outside would be locked for me and all I would see for the next 3 years would be the house across the street and our yard? Not me, that’s for sure! I was still fairly optimistic when we moved here, after all, I organized the whole move and everything. Hindsight, that probably did me in. When I started fainting and started to have black outs a few weeks after we moved I knew I was in trouble.

Over the years my world has shrunk to these 4 walls and I thank the Universe for my computer and reliable internet connection, it is my connection to the outside, without it I would be lost and probably wouldn’t survive.

Now we 2 days left till Christmas I do not feel ‘the spirit’ at all. In fact I am upset, hurt and more lonely than ever. It has been a rotten year and I sure hope the next one is going to be better.

On days like these I miss my beloved Gwennie, my Border Collie, my heart and therapy dog more than ever. In earlier days she was always there to let me cry in her fur, lick away my tears and give me comfort by molding her warm strong body into mine and we would lay on the bed until I felt better. Now she’s gone and I feel hopelessly lost and alone. The animal communicator told me months ago that Gwen thought I would not be able to cope with the loss of her. She was right, I can’t. I try, I promised her I would try with all my might but it’s so hard. I know a few people who will read this will shake their head and laugh about it, grieving so much about a dog! What a waste of time, get a new one! That’s alright, they don’t understand the soul and spirit connection I had with her.

I think I will take some rest and go to bed, maybe things will look better after a nap.

On the health front; I’m getting now my daily Human Growth Hormone injections which have the nice side effects that my hands and arms are numb and I have RSI in both arms, at night I wake up and can’t feel my arms or am able to open a bottle of water to take a sip or hold a cup. Picking up meds that I need to take is hopeless as well. I’m totally helpless and need to wake W. to give me my meds. But besides the numb feelings it hurts like hell. Muscles and small bones grow(growth hormone) and nerves in those areas get compressed and hurt.
But we hope it’s for a good cause because I need those Natural Killer Cells. Lets hope the other side effect such as LEUKEMIA passes me by. ;-(

That every other day W. gives me my ‘energy injections’ Lord knows why they’re called that they do not give me any energy at all!

Well, off to bed and sleep off this horrible feeling!

# # #

Risk more than others think is safe, care more than others think is wise, dream more than others think is practical, expect more than others think is possible.

I try to life like that and every now and than it turns around and slaps me into my face. It lets me know that I might indeed expect too much and that all that dreaming leads to nothing. But I am learning more and more every day how important it is to care myself as if I was my own best friend. And yes, I do risk a lot and no it’s not safe, but what choice do I have?

I have been floating between not conscious living and being aware of what is going on and actually feeling things.
After the test showed why I couldn’t make growth hormone and glutathione, we decided to start with Growth Hormone injections and later in the week ‘Energy’ injections. I put ‘Energy’ between quotes because the name doesn’t cover the work it does. It does everything BUT giving me energy.

W. my beloved mate, has been so brave to give me the injections, a guy who turns his head away as soon as there are needles shown on tv. I owe him big time! The Growth Hormone injections are easy peasy with a pen, the ‘energy’ injections need to be assimilated in a syringe and given with a ‘real’ needle every other day. They hurt like hell, but I will not tell him or show him because I don’t want him to be afraid of hurting me. It has to be done so I’ll just grind my teeth, take deep breaths and play ‘mind over matter’.

A few days into it and I started to have numb finger tips. I didn't think too much of it because I had numb soles of my feet for a while and we thought they were MS symptoms which we never really followed up on.

Than a few days later I started to get inflamed joints, and Carpal Tunnel Syndrome pains, by now my whole under arms and hands are numb, first right and now also left. Did some research(of course) and found that people with HIV and treated with also growth hormone before they start treatment also complained about the same side effects as I have. We need Growth Hormone to enhance the production of natural killer cells to fight of the infections.

Scary part is that these symptoms do not go always once you stop the injections. Your bones and muscles grow thanks to the growth hormone and thus leave less room for nerves and they get compressed. Jay, now I found a logical explanation and I start to wonder why my physician didn't warn me for this???

Seems not everyone who takes growth hormones has the same side effects, some people go up a ring size and a shoe size. That explains the 'growing pains'. Another side effect seems to be that people who took growth hormones developed Leukemia. Scary!

The ‘energy’ injections are Glutathione, B12, B6 and Folinic acid. Normally one would say that B12 and 6 should give energy, not so in my body. I’m detoxing heavily. I’m drinking as much as possible and hope to keep detox damage at bay.

Right now, typing with numb fingers is difficult if not painful. Imagine coming from the dentist with your jaw numb, but than in your underarms and hands... Got the picture?
I emailed dr. V. hope he has some really good ideas about this, at the moment my itty little bit quality of life that I had is going rapidly downwards. I need _someone_ to save me.

The image above is from my talented mac colleague Vlad. Vlad makes wonderful images, the low resolution versions are free for you to download for your desktop/wall paper. Please pay him a visit at Vlad's Studio's

# # #

The photo hasn’t anything to do with the topic, or maybe a little. I notice the beautiful fall colors outside again and that’s a major improvement of the last weeks. The piece of the puzzle that we, that is dr. Vosloo and I found was that tests showed that I had a double chromosome that makes an enzyme that is responsible for breaking down neurotransmitters like dopamine, epinephrine and norepinephrine, plus that I have a gene that makes that toxic accumulation in my body doesn’t get cleared and that explains my adverse reactions to drugs. And why I act so differently and strong to certain medications and supplements

The progesterone that I was taking made me severely depressed and cycling through severe moods. I was up with my thyroid medication to 5.0 mg and after a few days I started to have tachycardia, very rapid heart beats/fluttering up to 160 beats a minute with a low blood pressure. This is a very scary feeling because I know it can cause a cardiac arrest and there’s not much that you can do except wait it out and hope it will slow down. I try meditation and breathing techniques to stay calm and not freak out. I’m used to slow and irregular heart beats but these tachycardia were not good. W. insisted I go to ER but I know if I go to ER they will keep me in the hospital because of all my other symptoms and I will not make it home again.

Luckily it slowed down towards the morning and I was able to get some sleep. Next day I quit the Thyroid meds and gave my system some rest. After stopping the progesterone and the Thyroid meds I felt instantly better, mentally that is. No more crazy mood swings and dark suicidal thoughts, no more waking up crying with that extreme feeling of sadness.

Not that it’s all happy go lucky now, I’m still extremely sad about not being able to go out and have normal social contacts, do a course, go swimming or just out for a coffee with a girlfriend. But I can see the beautiful things again outside my window, my view on the outside world.

I did go out last Sunday, we went for a walk, or W. walked and I rode in my scooter to a beautiful park. The weather was gorgeous, our dog Lotte enjoyed being outdoors as well, she sat on my scooter on the way back, she’s 13 years old and gets tired easily ;-)
By Tuesday I was ill again, shivering with fever and chest pains, problems breathing and wouldn’t you know it, Pneumonia.

Dr.V. told me to use Colloidal Silver in my nebulizer because I can’t use antibiotics, that would wake up and start the kill off of the other nasty viruses in my body and it’s not ready for that yet. I have been using the nebulizer now for a few days and already feel the difference. I can breathe more easily, no chest pains and my thinking is a bit clearer plus the fever is gone.
It’s really a miracle substance this Colloidal Silver
If you ever decide to give it a try make sure you have the purest form that makes all the difference, otherwise you pay for a bottle that is not effective at all. I think that 'Sovereign Silver' is the best brand out there. They're not scared to publish their comparisons and have a really nice informative website. I buy my Colloidal SIlver at iherb.com though because they are way cheaper.

Sovereign Silver: http://www.natural-immunogenics.com
For supplements etc. http://www.iherb.com

# # #

When I started this blog I wanted to use it to poke fun at myself, my illness, a way to reflect on a life that is getting increasingly harder for me to live. It’s a mere existence than living. I do no longer have the feeling of contributing something useful to the world or at home for that matter. I used to get compliments or thank you’s for the small or big things I did even it was just as small as cooking a meal. Nowadays I have to ask for them, how pathetic is that. I do it but at the same time I know it will make me feel inadequate. I always thought it was normal to give each other compliments or thank someone for doing something for each other, it makes the other person feel good and loved. Me having to ask for a compliment or a thank you, what does that mean? Does it mean I’m not worthy of getting compliments or thank you’s or is it that what I do so insignificant that it doesn’t deserve or generate a compliment or thank you?

I wish I could do more, do BIG things, make a difference in someone’s life, have brilliant career, have interesting things to tell in the evening after the day comes to an end, but I don’t, I can’t. I can do small things, like cook a meal, have a cup of tea ready when my husband comes home and I expect the same recognition for that as if I did a BIG thing. I guess that’s were the discrepancy lies. Other people don’t recognize it as a major effort on my part. They don’t know that by doing that small thing for them I have given up the total energy I had available for that day and won’t be able to do anything else. Like writing my blog because I’m zapped of life’s juice.

It’s not that I didn’t mention this to them, it’s that they take something like having dinner at night for granted, it’s business as usual to them while for me it’s a major accomplishment. It has not always been this way, I used to get acknowledged for the little, small things I did, but somewhere down the road it has stopped and with that, a little bit of my self worth. I have been hurt by these little things more than I can tell, it makes me feel so inadequate and worthless. My soul and spirit is longing for that small acknowledgement of usefulness, than I make the mistake by asking for it. Which only makes it worse because I know it’s not freely given and meant but asked for and received on command.

When does a life stops being worth living? This life what I live is increasingly sad, full of grief, frustration, anger, pain, pain and pain and nowhere to escape to. I hate it when people tell me to look at the things that I still CAN do, yes I can still read a newspaper in parts, not that I remember a word what I have read 2 hours after that, yes I can still write my blog, email friends, pet my cats and every once in a while I go out to a place to drink coffee or to a shop.
Is that fulfilling, is that feeding my soul, makes my spirit soar? NO, I crave human contact, a good conversation, a giggle with a girlfriend, a gossip, a shoulder to cry on, a comforting hug, the fun of doing something together, creating, baking, cooking, a phone call just because I was thinking of you. An in depth contact, people my soul connects with. I miss working with people who are like minded, people I don’t have to explain why or what I mean or do, I miss interaction the sparring between friends, the jokes, the laughter, the crying. I’m lonely. Life passes me by, I try to connect with people online as much as possible, I try to help people online as much as I can even though my hands might hurt typing and I make a 100 errors a minute typing I don’t mind if it will make a difference in that person’s life.

But it still makes me feel like a hermit, something society has spit out. It hurts more than anything, it’s no the life I envisioned years ago. Even when I was ill than it didn’t cross my mind that I would become so depended on one person, that I wouldn’t be able to leave my house if that person wasn’t around, I didn’t foresee that I wouldn’t be able to shower by myself, that I would need help putting on my shoes or getting dressed. I always thought I would get a bit better, that my quality of life would improve but it hasn’t.
I never would have thought that I wouldn’t be able to walk around in my neighborhood, or through the park, that I wouldn’t be able to take public transport to get somewhere, that I can’t make a dr’s appointment and go on my own. I never imagined that if I needed something from the store I had to wait for weeks before I was able to get someone to get it for me and not run out to the store to get a roll of tape myself.

Me, the independent feminist, that girl who proudly burned her bra on the barricades in Paris, who took care of herself since she was a little girl, she who has a deep understanding of the universe and who can read people easily, that woman who is a highly sensitive person(HSP) an introvert but still craves human contact. That girl who was so assertive before it even was in fashion for women to be assertive, that girl who could do anything a boy could do. The girl who people loved to be around who everyone was always happy to see, who could dance night after night after night and never got tired of it, who loved to sing, to make music, who was a promising painter.....
That girl.. that woman... who is now depended on another person for her daily needs, where did she go to? I miss her so much, I crave for a little piece of the life that she had.

This life I have now is nothing but an empty shell of what it was before, my life was full, FUN, meaningful and active, filled with people who cared for each other and the world they lived in. If this is all there is for me and if it’s not getting any better I will have to find a way to make it more fulfilling, I will have to find things I can do to make myself feel useful. If not I’m afraid I will come to the conclusion that with all the pain it is not worth living.
Not only has this disease that’s called M.E/CFIDS taken my physical life, it also threatens to invade my mental and spiritual life.

I can not let that happen.

# # #

Dr. V. and I made a basic plan to at least get my immune system in good condition. Apparently my ‘reverse’ T3 thyroid isn’t good and that’s why my Thyroid isn’t functioning either. I told him my experiences with taking Thyroid meds even though they were compounded for me, they gave me chest pains, irregular heart beats and even more Orthostatic Intolerance problems. I even tried to open the capsules and divide them up in 3 and fill new capsules but that also gave me the same side effects so I stopped taking them. The pharmacist told me that if I developed cardiac problems I should stop taking them and that’s what I did, against the wishes of my GP. In fact he was angry with me.

These dr’s do not understand that the function of my heart is not something I am prepared to mess with. It’s the motor of my body, if that stops working it’s over, surely they teach them that it med school?

But dr. V told me I was precribed the wrong thyroid meds, it should have been for my reverse T3 and it wasn’t.
We agreed to start at 2.5 mg and work up to 10 mg a day. At this moment I’m at 5.0 mg. It still gives me irregular heart beat, no chest pains at this time. I’m willing to se if it improves when my body is used to it more.

My medication at the moment looks like this:

5.0 mg of TRIIODO-L-Thyronine in the morning, can’t eat for 1 hour.

1/4 or 5 mg DHEA (need to build up to 1 tab of 5mg)

with breakfast:
20 mg Hydrocortisone
10 mg Loratedine
300 mg Aplha Lipoic Acid
4000 FU Nattokinase
80,000 units Serrapeptase
6 tabs Wobenzym
500 mg Quercetin
500 mg Bromelian
5000 UI Vit. D3
6 grams Vit.C
1 caps Probiotcs
4000 mg Super EPA
100 mg Ubiquinol
2 tabs Padma Basics


Before midday rest:
20 mg Hydrocortisone
4000 FU Nattokinase
80,000 units Serrapeptase
1/4 of 5 mg DHEA
30 mg Morphine Sulfate
0.5 mg Alprazolam

before dinner:
20 mg Hydrocortisone
300 mg Aplha Lipoic Acid
4000 FU Nattokinase
80,000 units Serrapeptase
6 tabs Wobenzym
500 mg Quercetin
500 mg Bromelian
5000 UI Vit. D3
6 grams Vit.C
4000 mg Super EPA
100 mg Ubiquinol
2 tabs Padma Basics

Before sleep:
75 mg Pregnenolone(need to build up to 200 mg)
10 mg Progesterone
30 mg Morphine Sulfate
1 mg Alprazolam

All this info is probably totally uninteresting for non-ME/CFIDS people, but for those who do have this rotten illness know how important it is for me to write this down so we can compare notes.

I need to see another physician to get my HGH(growth hormone) injections prescribed. It’s expensive so we’re hoping my insurance will cover it. My growth hormone was very low, it was in the 80’s and it should be in a normal range of 200-350.

Hmm... somehow I remember that someone I knew in the Netherlands lost a bunch of weight with HGH injections. That would be a nice side effect ;-)

I just wish there was something that for a minute would take away my pain, it’s driving me insane. I’m trying all kinds of tactics like zen meditation, visualization, Kabala pain technique, spa, massage, low current massage, heat, cold, nothing helps.

Next on my list is Marijuana, I’m so lucky to live in Oregon where medical Marijuana is free. They even help you find a dr. to get you a card so you can start using it. Since I don’t smoke, a nebulizer would be great. Will have to check that out.

# # #

Unfortunately today did not bring the good news I was hoping for.

The results of my 21 vials of blood were in and they didn’t sound good.

I tested positive for a large amount of bacterial and viral infections.

To name a few:
Cytomegalovirus - highly positive
Myoplasma Pneumonia - positive
Human Herpes Virus 6(HHV-6) - highly positive
Chlamydophila Pneumoniae IGG - very high positive
Chlamydophila Pneumoniae IGA - high positive
Epstein Barr Virus (EBV) the highest positive amount I ever had. Normal range is 1:10 mine is 1:11000!
Candida Albicans AB positive
Besides all this I also had a positive for Lyme.

One small positive was that I had some natural killer cells active, which means they are trying to fight the infections.

My white blood cell count was high as were my RDW’s. My Tromboplastin time was high but that has always been the case.

Cardio CRP was 20.7 were the normal range is <1.0 low cardiovascular risk, >10.0 persistent elevations represent non-cardiovascular inflammation. I guess we can safely say that I have a non-cardiovascular inflammation.

DHEA was not measurable. Normal range is 15-170, mine was <15.

Surprisingly my B12 was high 2000 where the normal upper range is 1100. I guess all those nebulized B12 paid off ;-)

Coagulation test was high at >4.0 H where ref.range should be below 4.0

Fibrogen was 576 H with a ref range of 175-425

IGF-I was low at 88 L with ref range of 92-190

Serotonin was too low but that’s nothing new and there’s now easy way of fixing it as I have serotonin syndrome.

Cortisol was low at <1.0 L. Normal peak should be around 20.6

The viral and bacteria infections scare me to death, I know what treatment lies ahead of me and I wonder if I will be able to survive it.
I know the kill off from the nasty buggers will release a large amount of toxins that will make you really really ill. i might have to look for a doctor with experience in treating multiple life-phase infectious agents.

Now I have to lie down, I came home vomiting after my IV and my heart is racing like it’s participating in Formula One, feel horrible instead of better and will do extensive research on what the heck they put in their cocktails that makes me so ill.

I have the gut feeling there will be a cancelation of my precious vacation.

# # #

This week has been a rotten week, leading up to my birthday and our planned long weekend vacation to finally get some relaxation and change of scenery. We had to cancel our vacation for 2 years in a row due to medical issues, both times it was W. who had the medical problems not me ;-) So I so hope that this year we will be able to have a short vacation. I booked the hotel and made arrangements for a cat sitter to come by and feed the kitties. Keeping my fingers crossed that tomorrow at my new appointment with dr. V all goes well and that I won’t get ill again from the IV.

My nights have been horrible, the pain is too much to bare and when the day comes I often wonder how I’m going to make it through the day. I dread going to bed at night because I know I have to go through the same torture again.

When W. takes me out shopping and we drink a coffee on a terrace I often look at the ‘normal’ people. How different their lives are, how much they take leading a normal life for granted. Putting on a coat by yourself, taking your keys and going out the door to a run to the supermarket are boring normal chores to them. I would give everything to be able to lead a normal boring life like that and not have my days consists out of health and medical issues. From the early morning to deep into the night my times is filled with doing research, writing and comparing notes with others online, discussing treatments etc.

It shouldn’t be necessary, wouldn’t it be great to be able to go to a doctor and say this is wrong with me, it hurts here and he says 'oh I know how to fix that!'. Up till now I always had to do the research while my brain is already fried, there are just too few doctors who are educated and have the knowledge to deal with the complexity of this illness. And I guess it’s not a popular field to be working in, not much money is to be made from us, there are not easy fixes just ongoing trial and error protocols.

I hope that one day I will be able to trust a doctor completely to have the knowledge to treat my illness, up till now I have only come across physicians with limited time and who become impatient if I do not react to a medication like they think I should or a totally other class physician is the one that fakes the knowledge, not knowing I’m fairly educated about my illness and know and read the latest research daily.
Those who fake the knowledge are the worsted, it’s such a disappointment if you can’t have a professional relationship with a physician, someone who you need to have on you medical team to manage your health.

I have had physicians call me a ‘train wreck’, call me ‘too much to handle’, and ‘too complex with too many symptoms’. Makes you wonder why they became physicians in the first place, if they wanted an easy job they should have applied at McDonalds to flip burgers.

# # #

Well, no I did not feel miraculously energetic and so much better as they other ladies who were there also getting an IV claimed to be. Don’t know what is wrong with me but I obviously do not fit the picture. I was excited about the prospect of feeling better and was looking forward to this IV business.

The IV took 4 hours, I arrived at 9:00 and after taking my vitals, (which is always funny) they got the IV started after a few tries.
it’s funny because I have a set of extra cervical ribs in my neck, they push down my arteries and nerves and often is very painful. Because the squeeze my arteries i do not have a pule on either side of my arms. Nurses always seem to think I’m joking and just go ahead looking for a pulse but have to give up sooner or later. Even in my neck it’s difficult to find.

Halfway trough the I felt a horrible nasty headache coming up but attributed that to the warm and stuffy medical rooms and the bright TL lights. I’m very light sensitive, bright lights quickly give me a headache. Dr. V. came by a couple of times to check on me to make sure I was doing fine and the IV was not going too fast. It went slowly but steady. They provide you with snacks and drinks if you want to, the women across from me ordered a full lunch and their daughter came over and delivered their salads and sandwiches. By this time I was so nauseous that the smell of their sandwiches made me vomit. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get up from a chair with an IV in your arm and hurry to the restroom?
I felt flustered and hot and my face was looking bright red, *make note to look up what exactly it is they put in these cocktails, could be something like B vitamins like Niacin because of the flustering. By now I was sweating and it felt like hot flashes in menopause! I just wanted to go home and lay down in my dark room and not move for at least 3 days! I admit it probably can be fun to chat with others about your illness and experience but the chatting and constant yapping and laughing drove me insane! Maybe I just not used to being around so many people anymore, after all I have spend almost 3 years home bound without seeing anyone.

I tried to read some but the letters were swimming on the page and a magazine is difficult to hold with one hand I discovered. W. called he was ready to pick me up but my IV was still going and I told him it would be another hour. He wasn’t happy, he had meetings scheduled and did plan for my IV to have a delay. Messed up his schedule. I felt anxious about that, it’s bad enough he needs to be my chauffeur and now I made him wait too. It’s all becoming so embarrassing and frustrating for me, not being able to do anything by myself.

Finally at 1:00 PM I was done, made a new appointment for over 2 weeks, paid my bill of $125 and shuffled after W. to the car.
I have never been so glad to see my home, usually it feels like I’m going back to prison and being locked up again but this time I was actually happy to be home ;-)

I lied down and than my joints started hurting, my eyes burned, I had muscle spasms, my head had a noise it like it had a whole marching band of trolls practicing in it. I took 2 Morphine tablets in the hope to be able to sleep some and maybe be better when I woke up.
I did sleep but didn’t wake up feeling better. In fact it was the same as the few days last week. I will have to discuss this with dr. V. I think there’s something in the IV that I react badly to. I have 2 weeks to recover before the next IV. ;-)

As you probably will have noticed the protocol I was about to embark on in February has not been an overwhelming success.
In the past few months I have gone through some very traumatic times and still am grieving very much.
The dog I mentioned in my earlier post, my therapy dog, my friend and confident, my sole reason for getting out off bed in the morning was diagnosed shortly after my last entry with Lymphoma cancer.
Her treatment consisted out of keeping her as comfortable and happy as possible because she already was in an advanced stage. Although I cared for her with all my love and it wasn’t any trouble at all it took all the energy I had and I was too exhausted to take good care of myself. I tried very hard to keep her alive and with me but she died on May 8th. I was the hardest thing I ever had to do and that I have ever experienced.

Pets unlike humans will give you unconditional love, no matter what you look like or how ill you are or how much you can or can not do.
She often was my sole comforter, I cried billions of buckets of tears in her fur during her 13 years with me. Shortly after she came to me as a puppy I became so ill that I had to stop working and together we went through a lot. She was always waiting for me when I came home form yet another useless dr’s visit, in tears and disappointed, her tail wagging and so happy to see me. I would make a cuppa tea and we would sit in the yard throwing a ball or frisbee and the world would seem okay for a while again. She kept me grounded and alive.
Now that she’s gone I feel lost, alone and no reason to get up anymore, there are no words enough to tell you how much I miss her. Everything that was wrong in my life she made right, now that she’s gone the things that were wrong present themselves with a raw reality and I have to face them alone, without her her comforting me.

When she was dying I promised her during our many human/dog conversations that I would do all that was in my power to get better, to improve my quality of life. She was holding on to life with all that she could because she didn’t want to leave me, I think she knew how much I needed and depended on her. I promised her and told her it was okay to let go that I would be alright and I would take care of myself.
And than she was gone.....
And I woke up the next day in tears, not knowing HOW on earth I had to take care of myself when there was absolutely no reason at all anymore to go on.

It has taken me almost 5 months to get the courage to see another physician and to give it another try. I’m still full of doubt, I don’t know why I keep trying, afraid to be disappointed again and also fully aware of the fact that this is probably going to be my last attempt to try yet another miracle cure. I’m so tired of all the miracle cures, to start over again and again and again..... But the alternative is giving up and I promised her I wouldn’t do that. So this is for you sweet face, I’m keeping my promise!