Luctor et Emergo

Living with your limitations......
A couple of days ago I posted on a message board those wise words and how I (try) to live with that. I wrote wise things such as knowing what your limitations are and enjoying the moments that you’re able to see beyond your limitations and being content, or trying to be content with that.
All very inspirational and true, and if I read it know I think ‘oh gheez get of your high horse!’. Little did I know I had to eat my own words a few days later.

Well, I guess I _do_ try to live within my limitations, I mean I have to, what choice do I have? The other one is not to live at all and believe me sometimes that does feel like the better option. Like today for instance.

I don’t know if it’s the weather(22“ of snow and ice), the fact that my husband went out without me and even though the weather is horrible I would have welcomed getting out of the house even if it’s just for a few minutes and a quick coffee somewhere, or the fact this pain from the side effects of the HGH injections is gnawing away at me, or the fact my daughter just send me pictures of her buying her wedding dress with 2 complete strangers(at least to me).

I’m just so freaking mad and upset with this illness, why do _I_ have to live this way, if you will call this living. I’m at that point again that I look with envy at others who are going about their day to day stuff without realizing how privileged they are. I’m mad because I’m not able to hop on a plane and fly to Europe to go wedding dress shopping with my daughter. I mean how many time do you get the chance to do something special like that with your daughter? It’s a typical mother and daughter thing and again I’m absent. I’m mad because I feel I’ve let her down on this special and intimate occasion and so sad that we can’t share this milestone together. I’m jealous because she is sharing it with her mother-in-law instead of me. Not only am I missing out on so many things but so is she, this horrible illness is affecting all people in my life, not just me. When I saw her photos of trying on dresses my heart broke, it was THE one thing I wanted to do with her. I’m happy for her of course, she looks stunning in her dress, and I will have to get over this, it is what it is. Very little I can do about it.

I’m looking out of the window, my limited view of the world, it’s the same as it was 3 years ago when I moved in here, it’s hard to believe I have been living like a hermit for 3 years now. It’s hard to believe the dreams and plans I had when we moved here, drive, travel, swim, go to bookstore, browse little stuffy antique stores, go to cook-offs, see America, get my green card(check, did that), start a small business(ha ha ha, who was I kidding?), go to school, learn new things.

Who could have imagined that the moment we moved into this house the door to the outside would be locked for me and all I would see for the next 3 years would be the house across the street and our yard? Not me, that’s for sure! I was still fairly optimistic when we moved here, after all, I organized the whole move and everything. Hindsight, that probably did me in. When I started fainting and started to have black outs a few weeks after we moved I knew I was in trouble.

Over the years my world has shrunk to these 4 walls and I thank the Universe for my computer and reliable internet connection, it is my connection to the outside, without it I would be lost and probably wouldn’t survive.

Now we 2 days left till Christmas I do not feel ‘the spirit’ at all. In fact I am upset, hurt and more lonely than ever. It has been a rotten year and I sure hope the next one is going to be better.

On days like these I miss my beloved Gwennie, my Border Collie, my heart and therapy dog more than ever. In earlier days she was always there to let me cry in her fur, lick away my tears and give me comfort by molding her warm strong body into mine and we would lay on the bed until I felt better. Now she’s gone and I feel hopelessly lost and alone. The animal communicator told me months ago that Gwen thought I would not be able to cope with the loss of her. She was right, I can’t. I try, I promised her I would try with all my might but it’s so hard. I know a few people who will read this will shake their head and laugh about it, grieving so much about a dog! What a waste of time, get a new one! That’s alright, they don’t understand the soul and spirit connection I had with her.

I think I will take some rest and go to bed, maybe things will look better after a nap.

On the health front; I’m getting now my daily Human Growth Hormone injections which have the nice side effects that my hands and arms are numb and I have RSI in both arms, at night I wake up and can’t feel my arms or am able to open a bottle of water to take a sip or hold a cup. Picking up meds that I need to take is hopeless as well. I’m totally helpless and need to wake W. to give me my meds. But besides the numb feelings it hurts like hell. Muscles and small bones grow(growth hormone) and nerves in those areas get compressed and hurt.
But we hope it’s for a good cause because I need those Natural Killer Cells. Lets hope the other side effect such as LEUKEMIA passes me by. ;-(

That every other day W. gives me my ‘energy injections’ Lord knows why they’re called that they do not give me any energy at all!

Well, off to bed and sleep off this horrible feeling!

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Risk more than others think is safe, care more than others think is wise, dream more than others think is practical, expect more than others think is possible.

I try to life like that and every now and than it turns around and slaps me into my face. It lets me know that I might indeed expect too much and that all that dreaming leads to nothing. But I am learning more and more every day how important it is to care myself as if I was my own best friend. And yes, I do risk a lot and no it’s not safe, but what choice do I have?

I have been floating between not conscious living and being aware of what is going on and actually feeling things.
After the test showed why I couldn’t make growth hormone and glutathione, we decided to start with Growth Hormone injections and later in the week ‘Energy’ injections. I put ‘Energy’ between quotes because the name doesn’t cover the work it does. It does everything BUT giving me energy.

W. my beloved mate, has been so brave to give me the injections, a guy who turns his head away as soon as there are needles shown on tv. I owe him big time! The Growth Hormone injections are easy peasy with a pen, the ‘energy’ injections need to be assimilated in a syringe and given with a ‘real’ needle every other day. They hurt like hell, but I will not tell him or show him because I don’t want him to be afraid of hurting me. It has to be done so I’ll just grind my teeth, take deep breaths and play ‘mind over matter’.

A few days into it and I started to have numb finger tips. I didn't think too much of it because I had numb soles of my feet for a while and we thought they were MS symptoms which we never really followed up on.

Than a few days later I started to get inflamed joints, and Carpal Tunnel Syndrome pains, by now my whole under arms and hands are numb, first right and now also left. Did some research(of course) and found that people with HIV and treated with also growth hormone before they start treatment also complained about the same side effects as I have. We need Growth Hormone to enhance the production of natural killer cells to fight of the infections.

Scary part is that these symptoms do not go always once you stop the injections. Your bones and muscles grow thanks to the growth hormone and thus leave less room for nerves and they get compressed. Jay, now I found a logical explanation and I start to wonder why my physician didn't warn me for this???

Seems not everyone who takes growth hormones has the same side effects, some people go up a ring size and a shoe size. That explains the 'growing pains'. Another side effect seems to be that people who took growth hormones developed Leukemia. Scary!

The ‘energy’ injections are Glutathione, B12, B6 and Folinic acid. Normally one would say that B12 and 6 should give energy, not so in my body. I’m detoxing heavily. I’m drinking as much as possible and hope to keep detox damage at bay.

Right now, typing with numb fingers is difficult if not painful. Imagine coming from the dentist with your jaw numb, but than in your underarms and hands... Got the picture?
I emailed dr. V. hope he has some really good ideas about this, at the moment my itty little bit quality of life that I had is going rapidly downwards. I need _someone_ to save me.

The image above is from my talented mac colleague Vlad. Vlad makes wonderful images, the low resolution versions are free for you to download for your desktop/wall paper. Please pay him a visit at Vlad's Studio's

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The photo hasn’t anything to do with the topic, or maybe a little. I notice the beautiful fall colors outside again and that’s a major improvement of the last weeks. The piece of the puzzle that we, that is dr. Vosloo and I found was that tests showed that I had a double chromosome that makes an enzyme that is responsible for breaking down neurotransmitters like dopamine, epinephrine and norepinephrine, plus that I have a gene that makes that toxic accumulation in my body doesn’t get cleared and that explains my adverse reactions to drugs. And why I act so differently and strong to certain medications and supplements

The progesterone that I was taking made me severely depressed and cycling through severe moods. I was up with my thyroid medication to 5.0 mg and after a few days I started to have tachycardia, very rapid heart beats/fluttering up to 160 beats a minute with a low blood pressure. This is a very scary feeling because I know it can cause a cardiac arrest and there’s not much that you can do except wait it out and hope it will slow down. I try meditation and breathing techniques to stay calm and not freak out. I’m used to slow and irregular heart beats but these tachycardia were not good. W. insisted I go to ER but I know if I go to ER they will keep me in the hospital because of all my other symptoms and I will not make it home again.

Luckily it slowed down towards the morning and I was able to get some sleep. Next day I quit the Thyroid meds and gave my system some rest. After stopping the progesterone and the Thyroid meds I felt instantly better, mentally that is. No more crazy mood swings and dark suicidal thoughts, no more waking up crying with that extreme feeling of sadness.

Not that it’s all happy go lucky now, I’m still extremely sad about not being able to go out and have normal social contacts, do a course, go swimming or just out for a coffee with a girlfriend. But I can see the beautiful things again outside my window, my view on the outside world.

I did go out last Sunday, we went for a walk, or W. walked and I rode in my scooter to a beautiful park. The weather was gorgeous, our dog Lotte enjoyed being outdoors as well, she sat on my scooter on the way back, she’s 13 years old and gets tired easily ;-)
By Tuesday I was ill again, shivering with fever and chest pains, problems breathing and wouldn’t you know it, Pneumonia.

Dr.V. told me to use Colloidal Silver in my nebulizer because I can’t use antibiotics, that would wake up and start the kill off of the other nasty viruses in my body and it’s not ready for that yet. I have been using the nebulizer now for a few days and already feel the difference. I can breathe more easily, no chest pains and my thinking is a bit clearer plus the fever is gone.
It’s really a miracle substance this Colloidal Silver
If you ever decide to give it a try make sure you have the purest form that makes all the difference, otherwise you pay for a bottle that is not effective at all. I think that 'Sovereign Silver' is the best brand out there. They're not scared to publish their comparisons and have a really nice informative website. I buy my Colloidal SIlver at iherb.com though because they are way cheaper.

Sovereign Silver: http://www.natural-immunogenics.com
For supplements etc. http://www.iherb.com

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